I’ve been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope? Shut up and take my money! You know, I was God once. Bender, being God isn’t easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket. Pansy.

I never loved you. OK, if everyone’s finished being stupid. Oh Leela! You’re the only person I could turn to; you’re the only person who ever loved me. Ah, computer dating. It’s like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase “upside your head.” These old Doomsday Devices are dangerously unstable. I’ll rest easier not knowing where they are.

I haven’t felt much of anything since my guinea pig died. Fetal stemcells, aren’t those controversial? I wish! It’s a nickel. I had more, but you go ahead. I was all of history’s great robot actors – Acting Unit 0.8; Thespomat; David Duchovny!

It’s okay, Bender. I like cooking too. Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. Fry, that doesn’t make sense. Hi, I’m a naughty nurse, and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute. You, a bobsleder!? That I’d like to see!

Okay, it’s 500 dollars, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can’t hold the charge and the reception isn’t very… Soon enough. We’re rescuing ya.

Stop it, stop it. It’s fine. I will ‘destroy’ you! But existing is basically all I do! I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness. I feel like I was mauled by Jesus. And why did ‘I’ have to take a cab? As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead.

But I know you in the future. I cleaned your poop. Yep, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages! Yeah, lots of people did. Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious. Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets? Ugh, it’s filthy! Why not create a National Endowment for Strip Clubs while we’re at it?

Kif might! Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything. Bender, being God isn’t easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket. Professor, make a woman out of me.

Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about! Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. I didn’t get rich by signing checks. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

You don’t win friends with salad. Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train! Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?