Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.

And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! I didn’t get rich by signing checks. Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

Inflammable means flammable? What a country. Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity. I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… I stand by my racial slur.

He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! Homer no function beer well without. Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train! You don’t win friends with salad. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!

Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention!

They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about! Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. I didn’t get rich by signing checks. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

You don’t win friends with salad. Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

You know when grown-ups tell you ‘everything’s going to be fine’ and you think they’re probably lying to make you feel better? I am the Doctor, and you are the Daleks! No… It’s a thing; it’s like a plan, but with more greatness. Father Christmas. Santa Claus. Or as I’ve always known him: Jeff. *Insistently* Bow ties are cool! Come on Amy, I’m a normal bloke, tell me what normal blokes do!

*Insistently* Bow ties are cool! Come on Amy, I’m a normal bloke, tell me what normal blokes do! Heh-haa! Super squeaky bum time! You know how I sometimes have really brilliant ideas? Did I mention we have comfy chairs? I am the Doctor, and you are the Daleks! I’m the Doctor, I’m worse than everyone’s aunt. *catches himself* And that is not how I’m introducing myself.

All I’ve got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong? It’s a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezes are cool. Stop talking, brain thinking. Hush.

I hate yogurt. It’s just stuff with bits in. I’m nobody’s taxi service; I’m not gonna be there to catch you every time you feel like jumping out of a spaceship. You hit me with a cricket bat.

1. Saving the world with meals on wheels.
2. You know how I sometimes have really brilliant ideas?
3. The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things.…hey.…the good things don’t always soften the bad things; but vice-versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.
4. It’s a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezes are cool.

*Insistently* Bow ties are cool! Come on Amy, I’m a normal bloke, tell me what normal blokes do! You hate me; you want to kill me! Well, go on! Kill me! KILL ME! No… It’s a thing; it’s like a plan, but with more greatness.

Annihilate? No. No violence. I won’t stand for it. Not now, not ever, do you understand me?! I’m the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm – and you basically meant beat them in a football match, didn’t you? It’s art! A statement on modern society, ‘Oh Ain’t Modern Society Awful?’! Stop talking, brain thinking. Hush.

Heh-haa! Super squeaky bum time! Father Christmas. Santa Claus. Or as I’ve always known him: Jeff. *Insistently* Bow ties are cool! Come on Amy, I’m a normal bloke, tell me what normal blokes do! Father Christmas. Santa Claus. Or as I’ve always known him: Jeff. I hate yogurt. It’s just stuff with bits in. No… It’s a thing; it’s like a plan, but with more greatness.