They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train! Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?

I’m the Doctor, I’m worse than everyone’s aunt. *catches himself* And that is not how I’m introducing myself. Heh-haa! Super squeaky bum time! Sorry, checking all the water in this area; there’s an escaped fish. I’m the Doctor, I’m worse than everyone’s aunt. *catches himself* And that is not how I’m introducing myself. Sorry, checking all the water in this area; there’s an escaped fish.

I am the last of my species, and I know how that weighs on the heart so don’t lie to me! Stop talking, brain thinking. Hush. You know when grown-ups tell you ‘everything’s going to be fine’ and you think they’re probably lying to make you feel better?

Aw, you’re all Mr. Grumpy Face today. All I’ve got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong? Aw, you’re all Mr. Grumpy Face today.

It’s a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezes are cool. Annihilate? No. No violence. I won’t stand for it. Not now, not ever, do you understand me?! I’m the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm – and you basically meant beat them in a football match, didn’t you? I’m nobody’s taxi service; I’m not gonna be there to catch you every time you feel like jumping out of a spaceship. Did I mention we have comfy chairs? All I’ve got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong?

You know when grown-ups tell you ‘everything’s going to be fine’ and you think they’re probably lying to make you feel better? It’s a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezes are cool. You’ve swallowed a planet! It’s a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezes are cool.

I’m the Doctor. Well, they call me the Doctor. I don’t know why. I call me the Doctor too. I still don’t know why. I am the last of my species, and I know how that weighs on the heart so don’t lie to me! Heh-haa! Super squeaky bum time! The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things.…hey.…the good things don’t always soften the bad things; but vice-versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant. I am the Doctor, and you are the Daleks! Did I mention we have comfy chairs?

You know how I sometimes have really brilliant ideas? I’m the Doctor. Well, they call me the Doctor. I don’t know why. I call me the Doctor too. I still don’t know why. I’m the Doctor. Well, they call me the Doctor. I don’t know why. I call me the Doctor too. I still don’t know why. Father Christmas. Santa Claus. Or as I’ve always known him: Jeff. Father Christmas. Santa Claus. Or as I’ve always known him: Jeff.

Stop talking, brain thinking. Hush. Heh-haa! Super squeaky bum time! Father Christmas. Santa Claus. Or as I’ve always known him: Jeff.